Flamel's Plans
by rankiribe
Summary: Things were too serious. Nicolas Flamel tried to change that, by letting professional wizards tell us how they do things.
1. How to Get to Your Six Hundredth

_Dear You Who Read This,_

_This is a chain letter, a spam, an overdose of mails, an over usage of ink, and a waste of few minutes of your life. The truth is that I think the Wizarding World is far too serious for its own good now, and so I want something less serious._

_I asked you no money or power. Just write anything you want in the piece of paper that was behind this one piece, and then throw it to the air. It will only take you ten or twenty minutes. That's not long. The paper will continue appearing thanks to my Paper Refilling Spell._

_Forest could be saved._

_Well, I should start with mine, so you know what the hell I am talking about._

How to Get To Your Six Hundredth Birthday Healthy

By Nicolas Flamel

**1. Drink Elixir of Life**  
Not sold in stores. But seriously…if you want to get to your six hundredth birthday, you either have to drink the Elixir of Life, live in Noah's Era, or make Horcruxes. Because I will never make How to Make Elixir of Life, you have to find it by yourself.

**2. Do Sports**  
Don't do sports that will break your back bone or any important joints. In age 500, the most tiresome sport (and also the most fashionable) is nodding. Nod 300 times a day, and I guarantee you get to your 600th birthday in top health! Neck problems were not my mistake, though.

**3. Don't Be Depressed**  
Depression was the worst enemy in healthy aging. Always look at the positive side, no matter how much that silly neighbor's silly son threw his boots through your windows, or how much money your great-great-great-great grandchild spent.

**4. Stay Hip**  
Seriously, 'to be or not to be' was no longer considered 'hip' these days. Neither were 'thou Prince of Wales!' or 'thou smells funnieth.' So no trying those lines. Use 'How you doing?' or 'we were on a break' instead. They were completely hip. If you're asking why we should stayed hip will make us get to our Six Hundredth Birthday healthy…well…I forgot. Which brought us to the next step.

**5. Bad Memories are Tolerable.**  
You're 500 years old. No one expected you to remember how the Tudors appeared and the Stuarts took over or when Nargle get extinct. They expected you to learn about the concept of cloning instead. So…oh dummy me, I forgot what I want to write next!

**6. Don't Get Too Excited Over Your Birthdays**  
Remember, you still got hundreds of them coming.

**P.S**: See, You-Know-Who? Being immortal wasn't as great as you think it will be!


	2. How to Not Get Beaten at Chess

_Dear You Who Read This,_

_This is a chain letter, a spam, a troll, and basically useless stuff stuffed down to your mailboxes. _

_I'm Ron. I read Mr. Flamel's letter and decided to use the beginning but with variations. _

_So…I'm Ron Weasley, the sixth son of the Weasley family. While I might look poor to you, I really am poor. But no one will ever underestimate my chess skills. I will PAWN every one of those who tried to beat me, because I am the KING of chess. There you go two chess pieces jokes. _

_Yes, yes, I understand. I am not unbeatable. Someone will defeat me, but at that time, I shall be Hogwarts Champion of Chess first. I will inspire young players, cute girls, and many others to play Chess. So I will give you a How-to NOT gets beaten at Chess._

How to Not Get Beaten at Chess

By Ron Weasley, the Boy Who Pawned All Others

Before starting, you had to:

**1. Learn Chess' Rules.**  
A Knight can't simply 'move ahead one', you young unskilled players should know. If a bestseller writer wrote a bestseller story about young magicians who ordered the Knight to 'move ahead one', that writer must be sacked.

**2. Have Chess Set**  
You can't play Chess with dead animals' body parts. A bladder stone will never be able to replace Bishop. Stop trying, Hagrid.

**3. Know that Chess Required Common Sense and Logic to Win, Not Exact Knowledge and Trivia**  
In your face, Hermione!

Okay, if you have those three listed above, let's begin!

**1. Understand the Importance of the Pieces**  
Queen was, is, and will always be the most important of them all. Protect your Queen as strong as you can.

**2. Sacrifice**  
You had to do sacrifices. You will get in a position where you'll have to sacrifice your Rook to use your Knight to check mate the opponent. Do it. DON'T, however, sacrifice your Queen to make sure one of your Pawn get one space ahead than your Knight. When will Neville listen to this tip?

**3. Don't Lost Your Focus**  
Losing focus in a chess game was like missing an ingredient when making Big Bang Potions; deadly. Stay focused to each and every chess pieces, and if you had extra set of eyes, it'll help. Seventh-graders should try to Transfigure their head to those of the Aliens.

**4. Don't Ever, EVER Lose in Purpose**  
Chess was, is, and always will be a game of pride, strategy, wisdom, and pride. Never ever made stupid moves deliberately; it's like saying that there was a Weapon of Mass Destruction hidden in your house to that Muggle President. Deadly as hell.

**5. Don't Play Chess as an Excuse to Stare at My Sister, Ginny Weasley**  
Dean, Seamus, and _**HARRY**_, I'm warning you. I even bolded, italicized, and underlined it, _**HARRY**_.

**6. Keep Playing**  
Don't cry when you lose. Keep playing to sharpen your logic. Yeah right. Just keep playing against me, and while your logic was sharpened, I couldn't say the same to your dignity.

**P.S:** That one game DIDN'T count, Ginny!


	3. How to Make Your Best Friends Happy

_Dear You Who Read This,_

_This is a chain letter, a spam, a filth that will make Filch cringe._

_Well, you should know from my writing that I am the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, the Big-Headed Guy (Malfoy's nickname to me), the Protector of Mudbloods, the Leader of D.A, That Guy Who Keep Looking at My Sister (Ron's nickname to me), and Daniel Radcliffe, my pen name, it was so good that it was a really famous name, so bad that when everyone read 'Daniel Radcliffe' they knew it was me._

_I watched Mr. Flamel's letter and Ron's, and I decided to also write._

How to Make Your Best Friends Happy

By Harry Potter, He whose Names Must Be Known

Why should we make our best friends happy? There are two reasons:

**The Cliché:**  
Best friends were connectors of our hearts. We would never be split apart by Lord Voldemort's evil ways if we had best friends on our side. Our friendship was the thing Lord Voldemort feared the most. Other than love, of course.

**The Normal:**  
They stayed along on your detention. They get your jokes. You could cheat on exams with them. You could make a special, magical map with silly nicknames which will be used on one of your best friend's son as a way to illegally access a secluded spot outside of Hogwarts.

Before you delve into the art of Making Best Friends Happy, you must know the difference between Best Friend and Just Friend.

-If he or she jumped through Troll's snot to save you while risking detention, that was a Best Friend. If he or she stared at the snot and then started to explain that Wanglesboone-thingie used to live in Troll's snot instead of saving you, that's a Just Friend. If he or she walked THROUGH the snot and ended up stuck on it, that's a Dear but Stupid Friend.

-If they let you copy their homework that was almost 100 percent correct, that's a Best Friend. If they let you copy their Divination homework, you should be ashamed.

-If HE let you date HIS sister, that's a Best Friend. If he doesn't, Just Friend.

Now that you learned the difference, let's begin.

**1. Be with Them**  
That was the most important thing of having a Best Friend. To be with them until the end. Just don't be with them on their Detentions while you're not on one, they would hate that. You could risk yourself a detention. Neville had the same experience with Seamus on Potions detention.

**2. Know Everything about Them**  
Well, not 'every' thing, even your best of Best Friends required privacy. At least, know their blood type, their favorite and hated subjects, their _birthday_, and their hobbies. Now, remember, Neville's birthday is July 25th. He would be mad if you forget that.

**3. Joke with Them**  
But remember; don't joke about their most disgusting secret. Saying 'Neville, that is 'snot' the way!' when he was stuck on Troll's snot was unforgivable. Ron took the hard lesson.

**4. Don't Betray Them By Telling Their Secret to Everyone**  
Never, ever, be like Peter Pettigrew. That rat was petty to its small, hideous tail. Stay on their side forever, and they will do the same. Oh, and for anyone on Hogwarts reading this, the rumor about Dean dating Madam Hooch was FALSE.

**5. Don't Date Their Sister**  
…Screw this.

**6. Don't Date Them**  
Okay. I would try not to shiver too much because of all the hate thoughts flowing directly into my mind from guys labeled 'HxHr Pairing', 'RxHr Pairing', and 'RxH pairing. What I did mean by this is that if you DATE your Best Friend, you wouldn't make your Best Friend happy, you would make your Boy/Girlfriend happy, and that's different.

**7. Don't Sneak into Their Bedroom Claiming that You Lose Your Frog while a Ravenclaw Female Student Find It on a Box Labeled 'Happy Valentine'**  
Neville, stop trying. No, I mean STOP. Your frog WAS NOT, IS NOT, and WILL NEVER BE, a Chocolate Frog.

**P.S: **Stop sending your hate thoughts, 'HxHr Pairing', 'RxHr Pairing', and 'RxH Pairing!' You're making me mad! I don't even know who you are!


	4. How to Win a Woman's Heart

Warning: Pairing Hints. Readers are advised not to lash out at the Author.

_Dear You Who Read This,_

_This is a chain letter, a spam, the thing you shouldn't read on Potions lesson unless you fancy a detention._

_The last line was dead serious. I mean it. It was seriously serious._

How to Win a Woman's Heart

By Neville Longbottom, Dork Lord (Okay, my self-esteem was dangerously low these days)

Okay, you could start saying 'EH?' now.

_I_

_am_

_waiting_

_for_

_you_

_to_

Done? No?

_be_

_over_

_with_

_it._

Okay, it's over. Okay, I realize that the title of the How-to seemed so off. Well, it was. Putting 'Win a Woman's Heart' and 'Neville Longbottom' so close was like gossiping that You-Know-Who molested children. Oh well, it was just that…with all my dorky (if there was anyone out there that fancies me, which was impossible from the start, admit it, I'm dorky) actions, I managed to get a (stunningly, staggeringly cute) girl on the Yule Ball, and currently the one I had a crush on was warming up to me. So, I guess if with my dorky attitude I could get the attention of the woman I had a crush on, why couldn't you, the handsome and smart ones, do it?

Be wary though, in this How-to, I will not:

**1. Guarantee 100 Percent that It Will Work**  
If you're even dorkier than (who could beat my title of The Dorkiest Student of the Year, anyway?) me, try 74,917293682 percent.

**2. Tell You the Name of my Crush**  
I will only tell this: She was not from Ravenclaw. She was from…uh…Slytherin! Yes, that's it! She was from Slytherin.

**3. Not Let Her Read This**  
As if she cared anyway. She would instead look for Narg…nothing.

**4. Give the Best Details**  
Remember, I write this based on my memory. 'Nuff said.

Now, let's start.

**1. Know 'Who' She Is.**  
Know which house she's in. Know her birthday and hobbies. Know her previous boyfriends slightly so you could learn why she broke up with them and try to not doing the same mistake. Any grammar mistake on the previous line?

**2. Don't, However, Furiously, Stalk Her**  
Girls tend to stay far, far away from stalkers. They hated dorky stalkers even more. What they hate the most was crying, stupid, dorky stalker. So if you're one, take this step to heart. Not literally!

**3. Be Cool**  
Dorks and alike, this would be the hardest step for us. Be wary of trying to do things we couldn't, and do your best on your best subject, like Herbology, for mine. It's too bad there's no phrase 'chicks dig guys who took care of Mimbulus Mumbletonia' though.

**4. Stay with Her**  
But make sure it looked like an accident. I get on the same compartment with her on my fifth…I'm saying too much!

**5. Never, Ever, Gets Freaked Out by Her Unusual Habits**  
Pretend that you believe there was something that took nest on mistleto…Mist Let Our Customers Happy bar. That bar was too darn misty for its own good!

**6. Give Her Presents**  
Just don't give her your pet. Especially if your pet was a toad.

**7. Never, Ever Give Up**  
Fortunately, there was a 'Give Dorks a Chance' phrase. God bless the phrase maker! 'Phrase maker' sounded dangerously close to that Muggle's candy brand's slogan.

**8. Stay Cool on Close Proximity**  
Don't let your heartbeats race when you're about forty steps away from her. Don't let your face get red when she's looking at you. Don't faint when she smiled at you. Let, however, her helped you into a seat on your Headmaster's funeral after you were hurt by the Death Ea…I've said too much, aren't I?

Well, that's it. I am sure some of the steps were furiously inaccurate, but bleh, it was my best.


	5. How to Joke

_Dear You Who Read This,_

_This is a chain letter, a spam, junk as far as you can read._

_Hello! This is Fred Weasley, one of the two founders Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. You know us by the names Them Who Wreck Rules or Those Who Escaped Umbridge. Man, that escape was indeed staggering! It felt good though._

_It was too bad that George accidentally ate Exaggerated Emotion pills we just made. Now he's a drama player in Diagon Alley, confessing love to our neighbor and saying tragedies to their children, all the while quoting 'be it, or just don't be it.'_

_Well, one head was never better than two, except if you were running from a two-headed hydra, but I would still write the How-to. I will do it alone. Of course, our sense of humor was not that good if there is only one of us, so…_

How to Joke

By Fred Weasley, One of the Twins

Joking was no laughing matter. It required great knowledge of everything, and I mean everything. Before you began to make a joke, you must first have:

**1. A Life**

Contrary to popular belief, comedians DO have life. It's important for you who like verbal jokes! If you're a ghost and transparent, how can your audience focus on you? They will instead focus on the old chimney or the fat guy who keeps picking his nose. If you're a ghost, ALWAYS stick to pranks.

**2. A Superb Knowledge about Dictionary**

Puns and word plays are an absolute winner. And for that, you need a dictionary that you take to heart. You can find that 'Defiant' was different than 'definite', 'wiener' was actually a sausage, and 'I think we should see other people actually means 'Haha, I already did' only in Dictionaries. Those things were god send. If you were bored about it, throw the Big Ol' Book to the other's head. It's fun!

**3. A Lot of Comedian Videos**

'Leonardo da Vinci's Latest Quirks' was one of my most favorite, so is 'Hitler: Kill All Enemies!' Once you get yourself a copy of 'Bush: Massive Mass', you will never stop laughing until the end of your life. It was jinxed with The Greatest Joke Ever spell.

**4. Be Inspired**

Inspiration was really important in making a joke. To be inspired, you could do anything; from picking your nose to brainstorming by using Storm Braining jinx. Just don't pick Troll's nose or using Brain Storming jinx instead. We tried it. See what we had become?

**5. No Emotions for Animals**

…Some of you do realize one of our bestseller Buzzing Book uses Pixie's horns as one of the most important part, right?

Now that you got all these prepared, time to get to the main point.

**1. Always Write Your Jokes on a Paper**

If you don't have paper, use toilet paper. If there isn't any, use the unused books (mostly _Gilderoy Lockhart_'s ones, huh?) and the empty page usually at the end of it. If you don't have any unused books (or you're a big fan of Gilderoy Lockhart), you could use your brother's cloak instead. We always did that with Ronnie-poo.

**2. Remember Your Jokes**

Neville. 'Nuff said.

**3. Don't Joke Too Much**

Even comedians had feelings. Never use jokes at the inappropriate moments. Inappropriate moments would include the time when their fathers were attacked by giant snakes visible from a boy with a thunder-shaped scar on his forehead, or when their Headmaster was murdered by some stinky, stupid, Professor.

**4. Be Creative**

Make new jokes.

Before I leave you on your own, please be sure to:

**1. Thanks People Who Heard Your Joke**

People had lives. If they waste few minutes of their life to listen to your possibly unfunny jokes, thanks them. Shake their hand. But remember to remove the Ghost Glove first.

**2. Don't Leave Anything**

If you're an exploring comedian, be sure not to leave any of your stuff, or the most important, your joke things. Any comedian who happened to leave the Big Bang Simulation on any places was advised not to become a comedian anymore and went straight to St. Mungo's. Neville, you forgot your Fake Snot. Or was it the 'Sake Fnot?'

**3. Visit Weasley's Wizard Wheezes for the Latest Pranks Ever**

It's all matter of business.

**P.S**: Is it me eating too much Meanings Revealed pills or 'Joking is no laughing matter' sounded funny?


End file.
